


Fourth Of July

by scarlet_aldaine



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Depression, M/M, Suicide, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-22
Updated: 2016-02-22
Packaged: 2018-05-22 16:32:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6086782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scarlet_aldaine/pseuds/scarlet_aldaine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on Fall Out Boy's song, this was originally a sad oneshot in Eren's point of view after breaking up with Levi. Levi's point of view will be added later. AU. WARNING: contains major character death and suicide. If you feel uncomfortable with this, please don't read it for your own good.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Eren

**Author's Note:**

> so I actually posted this on FF.net at first. I'm simply reuploading it here. I will upload my other stories here as well so look forward to that or just look up IcyandMidnight on FF if you want to read them now. its a shared account so half of the stories there aren't mine though.

_Another morning. Simply just another day._

I sighed and turned my head to the side, forgetting for a moment that I was alone in bed. "Ugh, I don't want to get up..." I had countless sleepless nights, more often times than not going for weeks without it. Today was actually the first time I had slept an entire night in a long time. I crawled out of bed, reluctant to get ready for work which wasn't very exciting anymore.

I made myself eat something for breakfast, even though I was pretty sure my body wasn't going to keep it in. In all honesty, I had given up. Every day was just me going through the motions. Nothing gave my life meaning anymore.

I left for work, which was a crummy fast food place where pay was horrible and management treated you badly. I wanted to leave but I wouldn't be accepted anywhere else I applied for a job. Six years in college, graduating at the top of the class and yet, here I am, waiting for customers to order, getting yelled at, and earning minimum wage. What a waste.

At the end of my shift, I was approached by another someone I couldn't distinguish at first. "Yo, Eren! I was gonna hang out with a few friends. We wanted to see if you could join us." It was Connie, a past schoolmate of mine and now we worked together.

"I think I'll pass this time. Sorry." I gave him a fake smile and continued to gather my things, almost leaving until I was stopped.

"Dude, you feeling ok? Lately you seem kinda... I dunno, depressed?" He had genuine concern on his face. I was almost regretting lying to him. Almost.

"I'm fine Connie. I'm just not feeling well today. That's all. Don't you worry 'bout me." And with that, I left.

On my way home, I decided to turn on my radio for once, tuning it to one of my favorite stations.

' _And up next some Fall Out Boy._ ' It was a while since I've heard them so I left it. That's when I recognized the song that was starting to play.

_You and I were  
You and I were fire..._

Tears had already started forming in my eyes.

 _It was the Fourth of July_  
_You and I were_  
 _You and I were fire_  
 _Fire_  
 _Fireworks_  
 _That went off too soon_  
 _And I miss you in the June Gloom, too..._

Why did it have to be this song? I could've easily changed the station or just simply turned off the radio, but my body wouldn't move. I hurried home, wanting to forget everything, wanting to hide away in my room. As soon as I arrived to the apartment complex, I ran out of my car. I didn't even bother locking it. The tears wouldn't stop anymore and as I ran, the song kept playing in my head.

 _I said I'd never miss you_  
_But I guess you never know_  
 _May the bridges I have burned light my way back home_  
 _On the Fourth of July_

I reached my front door and went in, slamming it behind me and dropping all my belongings on the floor as I rushed to my room. The memories started to plague my mind before I had the chance to get rid of them. I no longer had the strength to fight them off.

 _I'll be as honest as you let me_  
_I miss your early morning company_  
 _If you get me_  
 _You are my favorite "What If"_  
 _You are my best_  
 _"I'll Never Know"_

"No no no... stop, please..." I could faintly hear my cell ringing persistently. I got up slowly, reluctantly walked to my things and checked my phone. "Mikasa..." Without even a second thought, I declined her call only to have her call me again. "What?! What do you want?!"

" _Why haven't you been answering your phone?! Connie called and said you've been declining EVERY invitation to hang out. What the hell is wrong?_ "

I groaned. "I'm not in the mood to listen to you yell at me and demand explanations."

" _No, don't you dare-_ " I quickly hung up on her and turned off my phone before she had the chance to call back. _Can't they see... See that nothing is worth anything anymore...? That my life is not worth living...?_ I looked around to see what I could do, to see if there was anything to keep me distracted from painful memories. Yet, the song from earlier had not left my mind.

 _I'm starting to forget_  
_Just what summer ever meant to you_  
 _What did it ever mean to you_

 _Oh I'm sorry_  
_I didn't mean any of it_  
 _I just got too lonely_  
 _In between being young and being right,_  
 _You were my Versailles at night..._

"I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry for how things ended... Levi..." That night was followed by many more sleepless nights.

~.~

"Eren! What's up?"

"Connie, if you're going to invite me to hang out again I will quit this job."

"Whoa there, chill. I just wanted to talk." He sat down in the chair in front of me.

"What about?" I wanted to leave already. Connie noticed my cold tone and shifted a bit in his seat.

"So... I'm pretty sure you know I called Mikasa..." I nodded in response. "Dude, we're all worried about you. You didn't have to treat her that way."

"I was in no mood to listen to her demand explanations for what I'm doing. She should've just left me alone. She isn't my mother."

"Even so-" I slammed my fists on the table and stood up. Connie was taken aback and froze. Unfortunately, I had gotten the attention of the people around us as well. Without another word, I just walked away and returned to my shift.

 _My nine to five is cutting open old scars_  
_Again and again till I'm stuck in your head_  
 _Had my doubts but I let them out_  
 _You are the drought_  
 _I'm the holy water you can live without._

 _And all my thoughts of you_  
_They could heat or cool the room_  
 _And no don't tell me you were crying_  
 _Oh honey you don't have to lie_

The manager yelled at me for the commotion I caused in front of the customers and told me to take the rest of the day off which was oddly nice of him to do. I left without fighting back because, honestly, I didn't want to be there anyways. I decided to just go for a walk, maybe it would help me clear my mind a bit.

I found a bench to sit down on by the local park. I was glad it was quiet today so I was able to enjoy it. I closed my eyes. Maybe a small nap would be nice. I was so wrong. I let my guard down and the memories began to return to me again. All thanks to that fucking song. I was tired of everything now. I had given up for good. I looked around and caught a glimpse of someone walking my way. Someone who looked very familiar. Shit. I didn't want to see him, at least not the way I am now. I panicked, trying to find a way out of the situation I would be in but it was too late.

"What are you doing here?" I stared.

"Oi, you haven't gone deaf, have you?"

"N-no, I can hear perfectly fine..." Silence.

"Mind if I sit here?"

"No, go ahead..." Suddenly, the floor was much more interesting than anything else. I just couldn't look at him anymore.

So, how've you been?"

"Fine..."

"Really?" I didn't need to see what expression he made, I pretty much knew what it was. "Then why aren't you at work?"

"Day off."

"Uh huh..." The small talk was agonizing since I didn't know what to say or how to act. I just decided to leave.

"Sorry, I'm heading home now. It was nice seeing you again Levi." Levi looked at me, scanned me and sighed.

"Eren, you look terrible. Take care of yourself, will ya? Bye." I felt a relief wash over me the instant he was gone.

 _I wish I knew how much you loved me_  
_Ooh~_  
 _I wish I cared enough to know_  
 _Ohh~_  
 _I'm sorry every song's about you_  
 _The torture of small talk_  
 _With someone you used to love_...

I let my memories take over. The way back home, I was just empty inside but I still felt a tremendous amount of pain. I wanted to get rid of it. I wanted everything to go away already. I had made up my mind.

I went straight to the bathroom where I had my painkillers, a full bottle of them. I thought I had made up my mind but the doubts had started to creep in. I wanted to die; it was the only way to stop my pain. But I felt guilty for thinking about it and then thought of my closest friends and... and him...

"I'm sorry..." My vision became blurry and I fell to the floor, my back against the wall as I kept contemplating. the more I thought of him, the more I had convinced myself that this was the only way. "Things will never be the same..." I took out my phone, typed in ' _I'm sorry._ ' and sent it to all my contacts, his included. I opened the bottle and poured all the pills that could fit in my hand. "I'm sorry Levi..." _I really loved you. No..._ "I still do..." I swallowed all the pills and waited. It seemed like an eternity until my body began to feel heavy. I heard a beep from my phone and, with the little strength I had, I checked who it was. Someone had taken their time to write an entire paragraph. But it was too late now.

Things were never going to be the way there were before. I screwed things up. My life had been hell because of my fault. My last thought of my only regret. _I never wanted you to leave, Levi... I never wanted things to be like this..._ I began to lose consciousness and I was gone.

_'Eren, I know things went south between us but... I never blamed you. I'm sorry too, for everything that led to this. We both had our pride that got in our way. We were young and new to love. Losing you was hard on me. But trust me, if we were to try again now, I would definitely give us another chance. Eren, I still love you even after being apart this long._

_... would you like to give us another chance? If you don't I get it... Just know that I loved you, that I still love you, and that I always will.'_


	2. Levi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you go. This is in Levi's point of view.
> 
> I hope you guys don't mind that I repeated Eren and Levi's awkward conversation and the text Levi sent...

Its been months since I've last seen Eren and it's been longer since we ended our relationship. To tell the truth, all I seem to remember is that I blamed him for everything in the end. But in reality, I was scared I had caused him more harm than good.

I didn't have a very good childhood. Hell, even my adult life was starting to go downhill. Or, it was until I met him. We were young and new to love. He brightened up my world, led me to experience things I hadn't seen or felt ever. We were perfect together with all the silly jokes, the quiet touches, the silent looks... Everything was great until the doubts began to creep inside my mind like 'What if he doesn't really love me?' 'What if I screw up?' or 'What if I'm really just hurting him with our relationship and with my problems?' Those thoughts would never leave my mind, no matter how much I wished it.

That's when the fights began. Looking back now, they were really trivial, could've been easily avoided.

The biggest fight we had was our last one. It was our anniversary but it's been weeks of endless arguments that usually ended with me in tears. Eren was struggling between college and work while I had recently graduated from university and had already started working so its been harder to spend time together. That day was our anniversary and I had everything planned out. The only problem I couldn't control was Eren's late hours. I had talked to him before but... It seemed like he didn't listen. He arrived home around midnight as I waited for him on the couch. By then I had drank one to many glasses of wine.

I yelled at him more than usual. I spilled everything I felt but I said it in the wrong way. All I was doing was blaming him for the way I was, blaming him for the arguments, blaming him for everything. He looked hurt as I said that but I couldn't take back my words. He remained quiet which only angered and saddened me more. I was the one who ended the relationship and left. I had caused that rift to happen. My thoughts became a reality.

That was nearly a year ago. I heard nothing from him yet I still managed to keep tabs on him through Mikasa. Apparently he kept working at the same fast food place (though Mikasa said it seemed like he wasn't going to keep the job if he continued the way he was), returned to college after we broke up but soon dropped out, become a recluse, lost weight and his sleepless nights were obvious. She told me that he hasn't even talked to her and that he had yelled at her when she recently called him. I wanted to call him and tell him I was sorry but I was a coward.

The same day I talked with Mikasa I decided to go to the park where Eren and I would usually go to. It was like a walk down memory lane. I was headed to what used to be our spot and I saw someone there. At first I didn't recognize him but at the same time, I knew who it was. He looked at me as I walked towards him and his anxiousness was noticeable.

"What are you doing here?" He looked like a scared puppy. "Oi, you haven't gone deaf, have you?"

"N-No, I can hear perfectly fine..." That's all he said. I internally groaned.

"Mind if I sit here?" I pointed to the spot next to him.

"No, go ahead..." He didn't leave my sight for one second. I wanted to see if what I heard was true. He didn't look at me even for a bit after I sat down.

"So, how've you been?"

"Fine..."

"Really?" That was an obvious lie and we both knew that yet he kept looking at the floor. "Then why aren't you at work?"

"Day off." Another lie if I were to believe what Mikasa told me.

"Uh huh..." It was difficult trying to keep a conversation going and I was cut off before I had the chance to say anything.

"Sorry, I'm going home now. It was nice seeing you again Levi." I looked at him and analyzed him better before sighing.

"Eren, you look terrible. Take care of yourself, will ya? Bye." We both got up at the same time and went our separate ways. Something inside me kept telling me to stop him though but I ignored it. I didn't go home right away, decided to keep walking around the city for a bit to continue my walk through memory lane. I was interrupted though by a phone call from Hanji.

" _Yo Levi!_ "

"What is it Hanji?"

" _Nothing. Just wanted to see how my favorite person in the world is._ " I scoffed.

"You're favorite person? Really? You have a shitty taste in friends."

" _Yeah yeah, I know you're flattered. I heard you've been talking to Mikasa lately._ "

"Yeah, why?"

_"How's Eren?_ "

"Bad. I saw him today by the way..."

" _What, really?! How'd that go?_ "

"It was awkward. I was the one doing the most talking so that tells you a lot."

" _Wow, poor kid..._ "

"Hanji, he's just like 2 years younger than us." I heard a laugh from the other side of the call. "Are you busy?"

" _Nah, I'm still at work._ "

"Idiot! Don't fucking call me while you're still working! It won't be my fault if you get fired!"

" _Wow, buzzkill. Fine, I'll hang up then._ "

"Best decision you've made in your entire life."

" _Oh shut up Levi!_ " She laughed a bit. " _Well talk to ya later then._ "

"Bye." I was about to put my phone away when I felt it vibrate in my hand. _Oh my god Hanji, I swear to god I will fucking ki-_ I looked to see who it was but it was from someone I hadn't expected. "Eren?" I opened the message and it only said ' _I'm sorry._ ' It honestly got me by surprise, never expected him to say sorry but at least I now had a reason to apologize myself and tell him everything that's been on my mind since the day I left him.

' _Eren, I know things went south between us but... I never truly blamed you. I'm sorry too, for everything that led to this. We both had our pride that got in our way. We were young and new to love. Losing you was hard on me. But trust me, if we were to try again now, I would definitely give us another chance. Eren, I still love you even after being apart this long._

_... would you like to give us another chance? If you don't I get it... Just know that I loved you, that I still love you, and that I always will._ '

I put my phone away, waiting for a reply that never came.

~.~

I woke up too early. Actually, I didn't get any sleep at all. I almost didn't get up but today was an important day for me. I needed to be at Eren's funeral. I had a bitter taste in my mouth and my mind still believed none of this was real.

The day I received the last text from him, I honestly thought things would make a turn for the better. I thought I would get a second chance to change what had happened. Never would I have thought that Eren would take his own life. When Mikasa called me the next day, she asked me if I had received a text from him. When I asked why, she told me that he was found dead in his apartment. I stayed silent and Mikasa left me to mourn on my own. Everything inside me broke. At that moment, I could say that I had lost everything that mattered to me and for the first time since I ended the relationship, I cried. I cried for days, which meant I hadn't gone to work, I hadn't eaten, nothing else mattered to me. I was visited by people countless times during my "disappearance" but I did not bother seeing them or talking to them. I wanted to be alone, no... I wanted Eren with me.

I got up from bed as I kept thinking about how I could've done things differently. I looked at myself in the mirror and I looked no different that Eren the last time I saw him, in fact, I looked the same as I did when I was in high school. I had regressed to the kind of person I was before Eren.

After taking a shower and getting dressed for the funeral, I stared at the mirror for a long time. I had contemplated not going, not wanting to face the reality that it had been my fault. I didn't want everyone else blaming me... But on the other hand, if I didn't go, I'd give them more reason to believe that I never loved Eren, which would be a lie. _Not that anyone would listen anyways..._

Everyone who knew Eren was at the funeral and, of course, his family as well. I felt as if everyone sent glares at my direction. I stood out, they knew I was the one who was with him, I was the one who broke him. I was the one who screwed up and now... Now I had no way of righting my wrongs. Everyone knew of what I've done.

I stood apart from everyone else, even from those closest to me like Hanji and Erwin. I kept staring at the coffin, thinking if he was really there. _What if this is all just a cruel joke? What if he appears out of nowhere and say that this was all a misunderstanding?_ I scoffed and smiled bitterly. There was no way that was true. Reality was a bitch and my entire life was a joke. For the rest of the funeral service, I remained alone.

I couldn't stay as long as I wanted to. The guilt was just too much to bear. I almost got in my car when I was stopped by Mikasa and Hanji. "It isn't your fault Levi..."

"Yes it is. Don't say that... I drove him to this..." They pitied me. I could see it in their face. "And don't you dare start doing that." I scowled at them.

"Doing what Levi?"

"Pitying me."

"But we're not-" I got in and shut the door. I rolled down the window to tell them one last thing.

"Don't lie to me. You are. And this entire thing really is my fault. Good bye." I drove off. I looked behind to see what they would do and they just stood there, confused about what had just happened but I was in no mood to apologize for my "sudden outburst". I didn't feel like going home yet, the silence there would be too much for me today and the silence in the car was unbearable too. I decided to turn on the radio, just for some background noise. I had not expected the song that was playing.

_Oh I'm sorry_  
_I didn't mean any of it_  
_I just got to lonely_  
_In between being young and being right_  
_You were my Versailles at night..._

I let the song keep playing since it was a song and band that Eren loved. I didn't really pay much attention to it before today but, when I really started listening to it, what was left of my heart shattered into pieces and my vision began to get blurry. All I had of Eren now were memories. Memories that could make my day but also memories that would haunt me forever.

_-Had my doubts but I let them out_  
_You are the drought_  
_I'm the holy water you have been without_

_And all my thoughts of you_  
_They could heat or cool the room_  
_And no, don't tell me you were crying_  
_Oh honey you don't have to lie_

I didn't realize I had started singing along to the song, albeit very softly and hoarsely. In the end, I ended up at the same park where we spent our time together, the same park where I saw him for the last time. I went to our spot, unconsciously hoping I would see Eren there, see him smile at me and tell me that everything was going to be alright. One can only dream...

I sat there, alone as the day was slowly turning to night. I replayed everything that had happened recently in my mind and remembered the feeling I had when I saw Eren. I felt something bad was going to happen but I ignored it. "Maybe... Maybe if I hadn't been such a coward, you would still be here..." I finally let my tears fall freely. "If only I hadn't been doubtful of us, of you..." My voice cracked and in that quiet night, all you could hear were the painful sobs I let out.

"I'm so sorry, Eren..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I just broke my heart again. I'm sorry guys T-T

**Author's Note:**

> welp, there we go. I honestly cried when I wrote this but I'm proud of it.


End file.
